I guess that isn't really a question is it. I think most of us know the answer. Our lives revolve around our wants and needs and no matter our intentions and intelligence.. we're all chasing after some sort of fill or some kind of relief from the inevitable. But I don't want to live in ignorance, every single day I strive for this selflessness, this Godly spirit of the utmost giving of whatever God has created me to offer.
I think if someone asked me, at a random moment, if I was selfish.. I think I would say no. No, I don't ask for a lot of unnecessary things, I don't ignore people's feelings because I don't want to "waste" my time on them, I don't, for example, ignite a million candles to light up my path while setting a whole world behind me to flames. I am not at all quite that selfish, but yet every day I wake up and I find that I think of myself and my petty needs a lot more than I think about God and the things he is so desperately trying to tell me. The words he so clearly presses to my ears but I just have to do this one thing before talking to God.Then I just need to finish this. Then I just need to finish that. And oh! -now today is over and you haven't spoken to the truest love in your life, the one who gave you every breath and you haven't helped your mum with anything and you didn't tell your brother that he looked nice today and you haven't prayed for the martyrs who just want to go home to their families and you got mad because the milk was gone but didn't even think once about the people in prison for the beliefs that are so etched on your heart. Or are they???
And I think now it's pretty clear that the truth is, I am selfish. Because I always make sure that I'm completely satisfied, every "need" is met without even thinking about doing the same for someone else. I mean sure, if the time came right in front of my face, but it isn't as natural as helping myself to whatever I feel comfortable with. Because it's purely in human nature to be self satisfying and always to be searching for a thrill to fill our empty shells and end up empty handed, broken or filled to the brim with decoys. But I am hoping and praying for the selflessness that Jesus had, I'm preparing for the ultimate transformation of my body, mind and spirit to put God and His will before everything, wholly.
And I guess that's it, really. We're all selfish, it's in the entirety of our beings. It's the very nature of our existence. Without God, we would all be headed towards complete oblivion. And I strive, everyday, to be more like my Christ.. I yearn for the day I am as much like Him as possible. I don't want to be selfish anymore. But I'm going to keep reminding myself of what I can be, until, with the will of God, I am no longer a selfish machine. Until I live fully for God and for His purpose for me. And I'm getting there. He's taking me there.
Amour toujours,
Ally xx
Remember: You're beautiful. You're unique. You're genuine. You're precious. You're loved. And most of all.. you're perfect at your purest. ღ
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